i think God lets me get all depressed and upset and uncertain and hopless, just so i cry out and pray to Him, then within the same day, sometimes within just hours, someone, or something speaks to me. be it a person, the bible, or a book, the exact topic, describing my exact feelings or thoughts or worries or concerns, appears before me, tells me everything will be ok, or that im not crazy, or that i havent messed up, or shows me what i did wrong and how to do it right. and this has happened multiple times, in the past 2-3 weeks. if it was once or twice, i might have called it coincidence, but its been like 7 or 8 times. i know God is there watching, sometimes i just lose sight of that fact.
Isaiah 49:14-16 (it's been my favorite verse for a while, yet i still forget about it sometimes...)
But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me."
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
so today sucked. hardcore. i couldnt sleep last night for various reasons. and woke up just feeling lost and confused and depressed and hopeless. i kept thinking all morning i was irreparable. that id messed things up and they werent going to get better. but i spent a long time in devo time and that helped. and then brad bailed on me so i got more devo time this afternoon. and i wanted to remember this so im writing it down right now:
"i need to stop looking at it all as to what quitting my job has cost me. for it really hasnt cost me anything. none of this stuff lasts forever. and it all belongs to God anyways. He gives and takes away as He see's fit. and sometimes it sucks, and i dont like not having a job, but i think most of that is still the greed in me that wants to go out and buy things and have toys and be stupid and let money control me rather than me just having a dead-to-greed spirit towards money where i control it instead. the parable of the talents shows a way to make money work for you, rather than you working for money. because none of those guys EVEN HAD THAT MONEY IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT WASNT THEIRS. and yet they made it work for them. and because of that, they were given even more." that last part about the talents hit me while i was typing. i dont know what it means but i hope it has a meaning for the future.
"i need to stop looking at it all as to what quitting my job has cost me. for it really hasnt cost me anything. none of this stuff lasts forever. and it all belongs to God anyways. He gives and takes away as He see's fit. and sometimes it sucks, and i dont like not having a job, but i think most of that is still the greed in me that wants to go out and buy things and have toys and be stupid and let money control me rather than me just having a dead-to-greed spirit towards money where i control it instead. the parable of the talents shows a way to make money work for you, rather than you working for money. because none of those guys EVEN HAD THAT MONEY IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT WASNT THEIRS. and yet they made it work for them. and because of that, they were given even more." that last part about the talents hit me while i was typing. i dont know what it means but i hope it has a meaning for the future.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
mill leadership retreat weekend
4 things i learned this weekend. im not sure if theyre visions, or just me understanding things, some had mental images to go along, some were just me going "im an idiot..."
1) "God, build my life". that was the prayer i found? came up with? i dunno. its the prayer of this weekend. i saw myself trying to build my life, 1 block on top of the other, a foundation, walls, windows, etc. but it wasnt finished, there was no roof, the walls didnt reach all the way up, for my life isnt done, and im never done building. then i saw God's pinky finger brush it all aside and i knew He was right. i could build my life however i want, but it wont be on a solid foundation (in my mind, my house was built on sand, just like in the parable) and that He could demolish it in an instant. He gave me my job 2 years ago in the span of 30 seconds, and He took it away in an instant as well. and i knew if i built my life, He could always destroy it. but then i saw the same image again, except this time it was God's hands placing the blocks. and He was placing them on a stone that is surrounded by sand, and i knew that the blocks could not be destroyed, could not be moved, could not be placed incorrectly. and that anything God builds, cannot fail. and so i want Him as the architect of my life. "God, build my life"
2) I have gifts. ive been praying for spiritual gifts (liek prophecy, tongues, etc) for a while and frustrated i didnt have any. but then yesterday i realized i did. that i have the gift of leadership, and of giving, and of serving. and that i need to cultivate them and build them up, rather than want different ones, or ones that i think would be more "fun". and that im not going to hear a voice saying "here are your gifts" and a list be given. but that i already have them, and i just have to use them now.
3) god promises a lot of things. but money, fame, fortune, an easy life, a life without worry, and instant happiness are not on that list. but honor, righteousness, integrity, and eternal Life are. and that though the world says we need money, and that money is what the world revolves around. God says we cannot serve both God and Money, and that we have to choose. the world says money is God, God created the world. ive decided to put my money in God (har, yay for puns!). i know it wont be easy, both to live that way, and for my mind to even accept that. but im going to do my best, and when i cant do anymore, i know God will help me. already i can see the differences between what the world says and how worthless those rewards are, and how amazing the rewards God promises are. and its tough for me to say "i want to have righteousness and integrity rather than money", because for 23 years my life has revolved around money. it solved my problems, it provided good times, it made my world go round. and now im saying "die". and its tough, very tough. to change my thoughts from that of money (its amazing how much your mind revolves around money, even when you arent thinking directly about it. even wanting a new XBOX game is really wanting the money to have that XBOX game. or that new shotgun. or to go on that date with someone. its always "how much money do i have?") im still dwelling on this thought, and i know it will go much deeper, but thats where im at right now. im sure another post will go deeper with new thoughts.
4) everything i do, must be done in Love. i can totally walk away from money, let God build my life, use my gifts, etc. but if i dont do it out of Love, but rather because i want something for myself, its all for naught. if i do it for any other reason than out of love, im doing it for selfish reasons, and thus am doing it for sin. be it for greed, pride, lust, etc. and i dont really know much about doing things out of Love, its not something ive ever really done a whole lot of before. so its kind of new, just like not serving/worry about money. and im sure ill learn more and write about it soon.
1) "God, build my life". that was the prayer i found? came up with? i dunno. its the prayer of this weekend. i saw myself trying to build my life, 1 block on top of the other, a foundation, walls, windows, etc. but it wasnt finished, there was no roof, the walls didnt reach all the way up, for my life isnt done, and im never done building. then i saw God's pinky finger brush it all aside and i knew He was right. i could build my life however i want, but it wont be on a solid foundation (in my mind, my house was built on sand, just like in the parable) and that He could demolish it in an instant. He gave me my job 2 years ago in the span of 30 seconds, and He took it away in an instant as well. and i knew if i built my life, He could always destroy it. but then i saw the same image again, except this time it was God's hands placing the blocks. and He was placing them on a stone that is surrounded by sand, and i knew that the blocks could not be destroyed, could not be moved, could not be placed incorrectly. and that anything God builds, cannot fail. and so i want Him as the architect of my life. "God, build my life"
2) I have gifts. ive been praying for spiritual gifts (liek prophecy, tongues, etc) for a while and frustrated i didnt have any. but then yesterday i realized i did. that i have the gift of leadership, and of giving, and of serving. and that i need to cultivate them and build them up, rather than want different ones, or ones that i think would be more "fun". and that im not going to hear a voice saying "here are your gifts" and a list be given. but that i already have them, and i just have to use them now.
3) god promises a lot of things. but money, fame, fortune, an easy life, a life without worry, and instant happiness are not on that list. but honor, righteousness, integrity, and eternal Life are. and that though the world says we need money, and that money is what the world revolves around. God says we cannot serve both God and Money, and that we have to choose. the world says money is God, God created the world. ive decided to put my money in God (har, yay for puns!). i know it wont be easy, both to live that way, and for my mind to even accept that. but im going to do my best, and when i cant do anymore, i know God will help me. already i can see the differences between what the world says and how worthless those rewards are, and how amazing the rewards God promises are. and its tough for me to say "i want to have righteousness and integrity rather than money", because for 23 years my life has revolved around money. it solved my problems, it provided good times, it made my world go round. and now im saying "die". and its tough, very tough. to change my thoughts from that of money (its amazing how much your mind revolves around money, even when you arent thinking directly about it. even wanting a new XBOX game is really wanting the money to have that XBOX game. or that new shotgun. or to go on that date with someone. its always "how much money do i have?") im still dwelling on this thought, and i know it will go much deeper, but thats where im at right now. im sure another post will go deeper with new thoughts.
4) everything i do, must be done in Love. i can totally walk away from money, let God build my life, use my gifts, etc. but if i dont do it out of Love, but rather because i want something for myself, its all for naught. if i do it for any other reason than out of love, im doing it for selfish reasons, and thus am doing it for sin. be it for greed, pride, lust, etc. and i dont really know much about doing things out of Love, its not something ive ever really done a whole lot of before. so its kind of new, just like not serving/worry about money. and im sure ill learn more and write about it soon.
renew
so im starting this up again. i think. im hoping to use it as a way to collect my thoughts, to quickly write things down so i can ponder them later. some ill expand on, others ill merely mention.
went to theMill leader retreat this weekend and got leveled by God. life has been interesting since i quit working. for 6 months i fought Him and in doing so, drew closer. normally, when you fight someone, your relationship suffers. but fighting God is different. i wanted to know more about who and what i was fighting, and why. so i pressed in. read the bible more, studied it, sometimes just laid on my couch and pondered for hours. some days i spent from 5pm to 10 or 11pm just praying. finally i just gave up, quit fighting because after 6 months of trying to change things about myself to get God to relent, i saw He wasnt going to. that He hadnt changed an inch and knew if i lived forever, He had already lived longer and still never changed. so i knew the only option was to give in and trust Him. so i finally did. on january 18 i quit my job.
i was expecting an immediate answer. a "congrats! heres your reward!" in the form of a new job, that paid better, and i liked better, and was able to make a career out of. instead, i got nothing in that sense. no money, no new job, not even any call backs on any of the 20-something applications and positions ive filled out. but i did get something more, i drew even closer to God. now everyday i could spend morning to evening pondering Him, studying, reading, thinking. i dont spend every waking moment, ill admit. but i do spend a bit of time. i read the bible, and pray, for a couple of hours a day. i ponder Him even more. most of my free time while alone is spent thinking about Him. and the more i think the more i realize that i dont know. if youd asked me 2 months agot, when i thought i became a christian (not just someone who uses that title because thats the way they were brought up, but because theyre really trying to live it), i would have said when i was 16 or 17, if youd asked me 2 days ago, i would have said last summer, and if you ask me now, id say yesterday. and i suspect in 6 months, id say some other date sometime after today. but i realize i became a christian at all those times, because im always changing and being made new. there are always ways to improve me, because im not perfect. and so ive learned in the past month that every day i can be made new, i can be made a little bit better, and every day i become a christian again for the first time, being made new in Him. and thats what my life is going to be about.
went to theMill leader retreat this weekend and got leveled by God. life has been interesting since i quit working. for 6 months i fought Him and in doing so, drew closer. normally, when you fight someone, your relationship suffers. but fighting God is different. i wanted to know more about who and what i was fighting, and why. so i pressed in. read the bible more, studied it, sometimes just laid on my couch and pondered for hours. some days i spent from 5pm to 10 or 11pm just praying. finally i just gave up, quit fighting because after 6 months of trying to change things about myself to get God to relent, i saw He wasnt going to. that He hadnt changed an inch and knew if i lived forever, He had already lived longer and still never changed. so i knew the only option was to give in and trust Him. so i finally did. on january 18 i quit my job.
i was expecting an immediate answer. a "congrats! heres your reward!" in the form of a new job, that paid better, and i liked better, and was able to make a career out of. instead, i got nothing in that sense. no money, no new job, not even any call backs on any of the 20-something applications and positions ive filled out. but i did get something more, i drew even closer to God. now everyday i could spend morning to evening pondering Him, studying, reading, thinking. i dont spend every waking moment, ill admit. but i do spend a bit of time. i read the bible, and pray, for a couple of hours a day. i ponder Him even more. most of my free time while alone is spent thinking about Him. and the more i think the more i realize that i dont know. if youd asked me 2 months agot, when i thought i became a christian (not just someone who uses that title because thats the way they were brought up, but because theyre really trying to live it), i would have said when i was 16 or 17, if youd asked me 2 days ago, i would have said last summer, and if you ask me now, id say yesterday. and i suspect in 6 months, id say some other date sometime after today. but i realize i became a christian at all those times, because im always changing and being made new. there are always ways to improve me, because im not perfect. and so ive learned in the past month that every day i can be made new, i can be made a little bit better, and every day i become a christian again for the first time, being made new in Him. and thats what my life is going to be about.
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