renew

so im starting this up again. i think. im hoping to use it as a way to collect my thoughts, to quickly write things down so i can ponder them later. some ill expand on, others ill merely mention.

went to theMill leader retreat this weekend and got leveled by God. life has been interesting since i quit working. for 6 months i fought Him and in doing so, drew closer. normally, when you fight someone, your relationship suffers. but fighting God is different. i wanted to know more about who and what i was fighting, and why. so i pressed in. read the bible more, studied it, sometimes just laid on my couch and pondered for hours. some days i spent from 5pm to 10 or 11pm just praying. finally i just gave up, quit fighting because after 6 months of trying to change things about myself to get God to relent, i saw He wasnt going to. that He hadnt changed an inch and knew if i lived forever, He had already lived longer and still never changed. so i knew the only option was to give in and trust Him. so i finally did. on january 18 i quit my job.

i was expecting an immediate answer. a "congrats! heres your reward!" in the form of a new job, that paid better, and i liked better, and was able to make a career out of. instead, i got nothing in that sense. no money, no new job, not even any call backs on any of the 20-something applications and positions ive filled out. but i did get something more, i drew even closer to God. now everyday i could spend morning to evening pondering Him, studying, reading, thinking. i dont spend every waking moment, ill admit. but i do spend a bit of time. i read the bible, and pray, for a couple of hours a day. i ponder Him even more. most of my free time while alone is spent thinking about Him. and the more i think the more i realize that i dont know. if youd asked me 2 months agot, when i thought i became a christian (not just someone who uses that title because thats the way they were brought up, but because theyre really trying to live it), i would have said when i was 16 or 17, if youd asked me 2 days ago, i would have said last summer, and if you ask me now, id say yesterday. and i suspect in 6 months, id say some other date sometime after today. but i realize i became a christian at all those times, because im always changing and being made new. there are always ways to improve me, because im not perfect. and so ive learned in the past month that every day i can be made new, i can be made a little bit better, and every day i become a christian again for the first time, being made new in Him. and thats what my life is going to be about.