Feelings

I've been struggling for the past year or two with a cycle of feeling close to God, feeling like I'm finally in His almighty presence, then in a moment that feeling is gone and I begin searching again. I almost never know what I "did" to lose sight of Him, to cause me to leave His presence, but I know the moment it happens and immediately finding Him again becomes my focus.

As this cycle has happened time and again I began struggling with thoughts where I was wondering if all I was doing was chasing a feeling of being happy or feeling close to God or any number of positive feelings. And I began wondering if I was chasing those feelings rather than chasing, seeking, and finding God.

This week I found myself again in His presence, and as I've relished it I began thinking about what I really was feeling and that's when I realized I'm not feeling a lack of "happiness" or a lack of "feeling good", but rather what I've been feeling is distress. A distress that comes from my very soul as it cries out, knowing that the relationship it could have with God isn't being fulfilled. Having tasted His presence in the past, having been made in his very image, it cries out in anguish as it longs for that relationship to be restored...

And then it happens, in an instant my mind, my heart, my soul rediscover that relationship and I "feel" happy again. For when in a right relationship with the Creator, who can help but feel happy? Indeed, I wonder if we really begin feeling for the first time only once we have entered into His presence and into a right relationship with him.

As I type this I am reminded of a fateful trip to the zoo when I was little. I want to say I was 3 or 4 years old, as I remember my brother still being in a stroller at the time. The zoo was fascinating, the lions, the tigers, the bears, (oh my!), our family went everywhere. And then we got to the monkeys, our stories differ here, but the way I remember it is I was staring at the monkeys, fascinated with them. Watching them leap and jump and swing and absolutely loving every second of it. Then i turned around and discovered that my family was gone, nowhere to be seen. No longer did the monkeys interest me, nor the zoo, nor the fun I had been having. I was in distress, I began to search frantically, then I began to cry. Soonly a park worker found me and took me to some food stand while the workers figured out what to do. I was still hysterical so they tried to calm me down by giving me a snowcone, which I promptly dropped. Then they gave me a cookie, which i dropped as well. They then went to take me to the lost and found area and while heading there we ran into my parents. Hooray! And in an instant, my distress was gone and I was back into feeling happy and enjoying life.

I think our relationship with God is kind of like that story. Life is amazing, fascinating, and happy while with Him. But then we discover something happened and our relationship with Him has changed. He is still God, just as my parents are still my parents, but he is missing just like my parents were. And then suddenly we are in distress while we look for him. Unfortunately, here is where some people get distracted by the icecream and snowcones and forget they were ever in distress, but for those who keep searching they will rediscover Him and the relationship will be restored in an instant, and then we can enjoy Him, and the zoo, again.

So for anyone who has ever felt like they were only chasing their 'feelings', like all God was to them was a 'good feeling', and when they don't have that feeling they can't help but search for Him, fear not. This is a blessing in disguise. I believe it is a blessing from God that our very soul's cry out in distress, and it is this blessing that may feel wrong, but it alerts us to a broken relationship with Him and provides the first step to rediscovering the relationship we were designed to have.