so i woke up monday morning feeling like something was wrong between me and God, but i didnt know what. there was a void in my life that i couldnt figure out. praying felt like i was just talking to myself, reading the bible was no different than reading jurassic park, my thoughts were scattered all day and i couldnt do anything to fix it. i prayed and prayed and prayed and didnt understand.

on wednesday i realized it was that the Spirit of the Lord had left me. which was a terrifying thought at first. i felt alone and helpless, it was like i was back in Greeley. but i continued to seek a reason, to figure out what had happened. had i done something, or was God teaching me a lesson? as i pondered and prayed He surprised me (as usual) and i realized that
A) this is absolutely not the life i want to live. that spending ~3 days without God was intolerable to me, much less the rest of my life.
B) i realized how "good" my life is, is based on how "good" my relationship with God is. if it suffers, my life suffers, if it flourishes, life flourishes :)
C) i had the Spirit of God in me, and didnt even know it. thats something thats been on my mind for months. ive never spoken in tongues, prophesied, or displayed any gifts really. at least in my own mind. i could see in myself that i have the gifts of spiritual discernment, of leadership, and (maybe) of teaching. but somehow i could say i had those, but i would have also said i didnt have the Holy Spirit living in me (strange, i know). it wasnt until i really DIDNT have it in me, i realized what i had lost and that in fact i did have His presence every day, and that every gain ive made in my relationship, understanding, and love of Him has been done in His presence and that i dont need to worry about "finding" God, but rather about losing Him. the Fear of the Lord isnt fear of punishment or of needing salvation or grace, it's the fear of not being with Him.

so yet again, God has taken me to a place i hate and dont understand, and walked me out of it even more in love with Him with even more understanding.

*edit*as soon as i finished typing the above part of this post i went back to my living room read my bible, it had been sitting opened to Amos chapter 8 since sunday, which was when i finished reading chapter 7... God never ceases to amaze me :)

Amos 8:11-13
11 "The days are coming," declares the Sovereign LORD,
"when I will send a famine through the land—
not a famine of food or a thirst for water,
but a famine of hearing the words of the LORD.

12 Men will stagger from sea to sea
and wander from north to east,
searching for the word of the LORD,
but they will not find it.

13 "In that day
"the lovely young women and strong young men
will faint because of thirst.